Archive for October, 2010


How to Strip for Your Husband

"How to Strip for Your Husband"

How to Strip for Your Husband

I have a problem.  My problem is I love records (as in LP’s) and I can’t stop buying them.  Of course if you are patient and willing to search you can find some real treasures in 99 cent bins at most of the record stores in NYC.  My boyfriend and I have probably accumulated about 2000 Lp’s over the last few years which is causing quite a storage problem at our place.  But who cares when you find treasures like How to Strip for Your Husband.  It even comes with step by step illustrated instructions (which I have been practicing.)  It’s also where I got the entrance music for my monthly show TOO UGLY FOR TV (see the track For Strippers Only).  Anyways its fun music, dare I say classic, enjoy.  I ripped the LP to my computer and uploaded it for your listening pleasure.  Click the link, download, unzip, and enjoy.

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=XS4ICUNF

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Dusty Springfield

Mary Isabel Catherine Bernadette O’Brien or Dusty Springfield a saucy British girl turned 60’s chanteuse who was white as a Mormon but sounded far blacker than Diana Ross could ever dream. She had genuine soul, a yearning, and an ache you seldom heard from a Caucasian. She is my newest obsession, i can’t get enough of her silky smooth voice that could both sooth and raise vocal hell.  She was the original Bacharach girl singing many of his most famous songs.  Her early work defined the 60’s and her music evolved from lush full orchestrated doo-wop tunes to mowtown, and the blues.  The quintessential Dusty album is of course Dusty in Memphis where she recorded her most famous song Son of a Preacher Man.  If you know her you should know her better and  if you don’t know her there is no time like the present.

I woke up with a fever and a sore throat on Friday no fun at all.  So Dan and I hunkered down in the ole homestead and had a Movie Weekend.  First up was the camp classic Eating Raoul (1982) the fabulous tale of Paul and Mary Bland are a wine dealer and a nurse, respectively, who bemoan their low status in life and dream of opening a restaurant.

After Mr. Bland is fired from his job at a wine shop, the couple are left relatively penniless and the chances that they will ever realize their dream quickly diminish. Their plight is exacerbated by the fact that they live in an apartment building that is a regular site of swinger parties.

After a drunk swinger wanders into their apartment and tries to rape Mrs. Bland, Mr. Bland kills him by hitting him with a heavy frying pan. They take his money and put him in the trash compactor. Later, they kill another swinger in a similar fashion, and realize that they could make money by killing “rich perverts”, and proceed to do so, getting advice on infiltrating the swinging lifestyle from one of the building’s orgy regulars, Doris the Dominatrix.

After finding a flyer on their car touting cheap lock installation, they decide, for the safety of Mr. Bland’s wine collection, to have the locks on their apartment door changed.

The locksmith’s name is Raoul, a Latino man who moonlights as a cat burglar, robbing the homes and apartments of his clients. He breaks into the Blands’ apartment the night after installing their locks, only to stumble across the corpse of the Blands’ latest victim, a Nazi fetishist.

Paul catches Raoul and the two strike a deal: Not only will Raoul keep the Blands’ secret, he tells them that he knows a place where he can “exchange” the corpses for cash. The Blands accept, and Raoul goes to work for them (he sells the corpses to a dog food company), also secretly stealing the victims’ cars and selling them.

One night shortly after, Mr. Bland leaves to buy groceries (and a new frying pan, since Mary is “a bit squeamish about cooking with the one we use to kill people”) and Mrs. Bland is left alone in the house. Their next customer, dressed as a hippie (Ed Begley, Jr.), arrives while Paul is gone. When Mrs. Bland attempts to explain that he missed his appointment, he tries to rape her. Raoul wanders in, sees the customer attacking Mrs. Bland and strangles him to death with his belt. Raoul then offers Mary marijuana and they have sex.

They sleep together once more with Raoul attempting to convince Mary to run away with him. After Raoul tries to run Paul over with a car, Paul hires Doris the Dominatrix to pose as a variety of people (including an immigration agent and a public health worker) to try to get rid of Raoul by making him believe he is being deported, and by giving him saltpeter pills (which can prohibit males from obtaining an erection). None of these plans work, however, and a drunken Raoul breaks into the Blands’ apartment and threatens to kill Mr. Bland. He informs Paul that he and Mary will be getting married, and then takes Paul into the kitchen so that he and Mary can both kill him together; instead, Mary kills Raoul with the frying pan.

Mary and Paul then remember they’re expecting their real estate agent (who’s helping them buy their dream restaurant) for dinner. With no food in the house, and little time before his arrival, Paul and Mary cook Raoul and serve him for dinner. The last shot of the film is a smiling Paul and Mary in front of their brand new restaurant, with the caption, “Bon Appétit.

With cameos from Edie McLur, Buck Henry, and Ed Bagley Junior this is a must see!  On a scale of Pride and Clark to Grey Goose I give this a solid Grey Goose!

 

We followed this with an unconventional choice a 90’s thriller starring Gene Hackman and Anne Archer (back when she was a viable star.  A Los Angeles District Attorney (Gene Hackman) is attempting to take an unwilling murder witness (Anne Archer) back to the United States from Canada to testify against a top-level mob boss. Frantically attempting to escape two deadly hit men sent to silence her, they board a Vancouver-bound train only to find the killers are on board with them. For the next 20 hours, as the train hurls through the beautiful but isolated Canadian wilderness, a deadly game of cat and mouse ensues in which their ability to tell friend from foe is a matter of life and death.

This is based on a 1952 movie of the same name and though I haven’t seen the original I fully enjoyed this as a conventional 90’s thriller.  On a Scale of Pride and Clark to Grey Goose I give this a Svedka.  I wouldn’t run out to find it but if you ever catch it on AMC check it out.

Anal sex and a side of bacon

Being a gay man means your opinion is a very sought after thing.  This is especially true of straight girls.  They crave our views on fashion and the arts, our taste in cooking, which brand of vacuum we prefer, or what the up and coming pocket dog is going to be.  They call us to make sure the poncho is still in, and express their desire for us to see them in said poncho before they buy it lest they look fat.  Without the gays pop music would be nothing and Lady GagGa would still be shucking her jive at the Bitter End.  Don’t get us wrong,  the gays love to convey their opinions to the world loud and proud whether asked for or not.  So it’s no surprise that straight girls go to gay men when they have questions about sex…well not just any sex, anal sex.  I have had a number of my straight girlfriends confide that their gentlemen friends would like to enter their back doors…girls you know who you are.

This weekend was my boyfriends 27th birthday and our neighbor across the hall took us out for brunch on Sunday morning.  Rather than go to the gorgeous little bar on the corner for an upscale brunch we decided to hit the always glamorous and always tacky Neptune Diner.  A place so Greek that they have a giant stained glass portrait of King Neptune himself proudly sitting on what looks like a toilet holding his mighty Triton…its epic.  They also have 2 dining rooms.  One i like to think of as the drunk tank, a place they can sit Guido club kids on Friday and Saturday nights.  And the classy upscale dining room reserved for the large Greek families, the elderly, and what appear to be Dungeons and Dragons nerds.

Surrounded by families in desperate need of fitted clothes and some serious eyebrow threading we stuck out like the cast of Too Wong Foo.  That combined with some necessary gay sassafras which I served our waitress when she showed up at our table seconds after being seated, is no doubt what clued her into our homosexuality, and no doubt is what led her to ask the most inappropriate thing a server can ever ask someone who is un-caffinated.  We ordered and ate what I sure amounted to over 10,000 calories worth of East Coast Diner goodness when suddenly my morning Bowel Movement was upon me.  I made haste to the restroom and when I returned found my friend from across the hall saying to the waitress ” well just get drunk, or get some anal ease and some poppers” to which I thought I’d actually settle for another cup of coffee.

Turns out while I was dropping the Cosby kids off at the pool our Lebanese waitress had approached the table, stood in front of them for about a minute, and finally mustered the courage to ask if they were partners, and if they had any advice on how to make anal sex more comfortable.   This is exactly the kind of conversation I would expect from a waitress at the Waverly at 3am on a Friday night after about 10 martini’s.  But at the Neptune Diner at noon surrounded by the cast of My Big Fat Greek Wedding it was just too much too early and too near children.  I have no idea what was going through this lunatic woman’s head but I bet she’s the kind of girl who has no problem changing her bra-less body in front of someone without warning them first that her saggy bags were coming.  But I admire her gusto and lucky for her my friends were more than happy to oblige though they hated her for it.  They went into great detail on what to do and how to do it which I’ll not put here as my mom reads this, but she just kept coming back for more.  Over and over, about every five minutes she was back again with another set of questions.  What if I do this??  What if I take a hot shower upside down??  My friends told me Mountain Dew makes a good enema? More than anything she worried about being clean which is funny cause she apparently didn’t care at all about being a good waitress.  We told her if he is going in there he deserves what he gets. She then showed us a picture of her husband who sounded like a real stand up guy.  She said “If I don’t do it he’ll just find it somewhere else.”  Or maybe that was something her girlfriends told her, either way I officially know entirely to much about what was going to happen to this woman’s butt hole later that night.  I asked for another cup of coffee, I figured at this point I wanted to stick it out and see is she asked for a live demonstration from us.  The questions kept coming, but my coffee never did.

My good graces finally worn thin I suggest wrapping our little brunch up,  we grab the check and head to the front desk to pay.  I said I would leave the tip so I head back towards the table only to find myself face to uni-brow with the newest inducty to the world of anal sex.  She grabbed the 5 dollar bill outta my hand and said “thanks babe” turned on that hoof she calls a foot and disappeared into the kitchen leaving me to wonder just what makes a women like that tick.  I know one thing for sure… she definitely would look fat in a poncho.