Being a gay man means your opinion is a very sought after thing.  This is especially true of straight girls.  They crave our views on fashion and the arts, our taste in cooking, which brand of vacuum we prefer, or what the up and coming pocket dog is going to be.  They call us to make sure the poncho is still in, and express their desire for us to see them in said poncho before they buy it lest they look fat.  Without the gays pop music would be nothing and Lady GagGa would still be shucking her jive at the Bitter End.  Don’t get us wrong,  the gays love to convey their opinions to the world loud and proud whether asked for or not.  So it’s no surprise that straight girls go to gay men when they have questions about sex…well not just any sex, anal sex.  I have had a number of my straight girlfriends confide that their gentlemen friends would like to enter their back doors…girls you know who you are.

This weekend was my boyfriends 27th birthday and our neighbor across the hall took us out for brunch on Sunday morning.  Rather than go to the gorgeous little bar on the corner for an upscale brunch we decided to hit the always glamorous and always tacky Neptune Diner.  A place so Greek that they have a giant stained glass portrait of King Neptune himself proudly sitting on what looks like a toilet holding his mighty Triton…its epic.  They also have 2 dining rooms.  One i like to think of as the drunk tank, a place they can sit Guido club kids on Friday and Saturday nights.  And the classy upscale dining room reserved for the large Greek families, the elderly, and what appear to be Dungeons and Dragons nerds.

Surrounded by families in desperate need of fitted clothes and some serious eyebrow threading we stuck out like the cast of Too Wong Foo.  That combined with some necessary gay sassafras which I served our waitress when she showed up at our table seconds after being seated, is no doubt what clued her into our homosexuality, and no doubt is what led her to ask the most inappropriate thing a server can ever ask someone who is un-caffinated.  We ordered and ate what I sure amounted to over 10,000 calories worth of East Coast Diner goodness when suddenly my morning Bowel Movement was upon me.  I made haste to the restroom and when I returned found my friend from across the hall saying to the waitress ” well just get drunk, or get some anal ease and some poppers” to which I thought I’d actually settle for another cup of coffee.

Turns out while I was dropping the Cosby kids off at the pool our Lebanese waitress had approached the table, stood in front of them for about a minute, and finally mustered the courage to ask if they were partners, and if they had any advice on how to make anal sex more comfortable.   This is exactly the kind of conversation I would expect from a waitress at the Waverly at 3am on a Friday night after about 10 martini’s.  But at the Neptune Diner at noon surrounded by the cast of My Big Fat Greek Wedding it was just too much too early and too near children.  I have no idea what was going through this lunatic woman’s head but I bet she’s the kind of girl who has no problem changing her bra-less body in front of someone without warning them first that her saggy bags were coming.  But I admire her gusto and lucky for her my friends were more than happy to oblige though they hated her for it.  They went into great detail on what to do and how to do it which I’ll not put here as my mom reads this, but she just kept coming back for more.  Over and over, about every five minutes she was back again with another set of questions.  What if I do this??  What if I take a hot shower upside down??  My friends told me Mountain Dew makes a good enema? More than anything she worried about being clean which is funny cause she apparently didn’t care at all about being a good waitress.  We told her if he is going in there he deserves what he gets. She then showed us a picture of her husband who sounded like a real stand up guy.  She said “If I don’t do it he’ll just find it somewhere else.”  Or maybe that was something her girlfriends told her, either way I officially know entirely to much about what was going to happen to this woman’s butt hole later that night.  I asked for another cup of coffee, I figured at this point I wanted to stick it out and see is she asked for a live demonstration from us.  The questions kept coming, but my coffee never did.

My good graces finally worn thin I suggest wrapping our little brunch up,  we grab the check and head to the front desk to pay.  I said I would leave the tip so I head back towards the table only to find myself face to uni-brow with the newest inducty to the world of anal sex.  She grabbed the 5 dollar bill outta my hand and said “thanks babe” turned on that hoof she calls a foot and disappeared into the kitchen leaving me to wonder just what makes a women like that tick.  I know one thing for sure… she definitely would look fat in a poncho.

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